Have you ever wanted something so badly that you forget why you wanted it in the first place? Well, I have come into terms with that or rather, myself tonight. My desire, my wants, my dreams have become an obsession. An obsession that possesses my mind, leading me blinded and astray on this path. Since I’ve begun my career, my mind has been fixated on a letter and a number, in which 20 years from now will not matter much to me. I am so naive, so naive to the point where my logic is so bull shit. I don’t make sense, probably not even now. To be honest, I don’t think I am a good person. I am so vain, fickle, and childish. All of these negative qualities I aspired to get rid of. But failed at attempt. My life is consumed by this obsession that I make no time for anyone else. To those who have crossed paths with me, I am sorry, I let you down..

Who’d would’ve thought that my obsession would let me forget about why I wanted it in the first place? Because now that I realized what kind of person I’ve become by having this consume me slowly inside, I feel that I don’t deserve to want it. My desires have been tainted by no one but myself. It makes me wonder if this is the path I really want.. or whether it’s just a path I forced myself onto.. It is really depressing to think of it this way, and I am embarrassed at the thought of it. 

I don’t think I am strong enough to do this. I don’t put myself on a high regard. I never think that I will ever be better or equal in skill to my peers.

 However, the more I sit here and feel sorry for myself is pathetic. Me complaining about this shit will make no one feel sorry for me, not even my own mother. I just look even more pathetic and weak, vulnerable for someone else to walk all over me. The reason I can turn over to the other side is because I saw something tonight. It was something from a distant friend who gave me some hope. I now know that being childish will not get me to where I want to be. In this life, nothing is given to you. It is the perseverance and determination of one’s will that keeps him/her on their two feet. I must work hard and move forward even through the tears and disappointments that I have or may encounter in my life. 

I guess I was being a bit dramatic, because it’s really hard to see that the fruits of your labor tasted sour. I will continue to aim for sweeter fruits when I still have time. I may start off weak but will end strong. I will continue to redefine my wants and search for my passion once again.

I am still young and learning..